Weeks and Days

Here I am, thirty-two weeks and three days pregnant. The doctors tell me that I am having a big boy, they are planning on doing regular ultrasounds to keep up with his progress. This of course, terrifies me. I am at the point that when I run into people they say things like, "Wow! You look like you're about to pop!" or, "Wow---you really have two more months to go?" By necessity, my paranoia is softening, and I am learning to laugh it all off. There isn't a darn thing I can do about it, and I'm glad my little guy is growing nice and strong. So strong in fact, Rann will wake up in the middle of the night and actually feel the bed shake when baby Russell kicks really hard!

Yesterday morning, I completed the first draft of my second novel. At this moment, I feel really excited about it, and am riding the high of finishing that last sentence. However, I know that the hard work lies ahead of accepting criticism and rewriting, hopefully making it an even better book. I really hope this one makes it into the hands of readers. It was fun to write, and I'm already a little sad that the story has come to a close. I woke up this morning missing my characters---perhaps that means there will be a sequel to come? We shall see.

The past week, after I was drained of my own words and couldn't write anymore, I succumbed to that phenomenon that has swept the world, teenagers and adults included entitled Twilight.

I can't say that I enjoyed it that much, but I read the whole thing, desperately trying to understand what it was that makes people so addicted to this series. I even forced Rann to watch the movie with me last night, and we laughed at the dialogue all the way through. I think I must be missing the mushy-gushy romantic gene that draws so many throngs of women into the tormented love story. Now if Diablo Cody wrote a book about teenage vampires, with her snarky, Juno, United States of Tara witticisms, that, I think is something I would want to, errr---sink my teeth into. I suppose I should be worrying more about getting through my doula notebook and the couple of baby books I've purchased about how to get your munchkin on a schedule than the hottest bestseller anyway.

The Countdown

I am now thirty weeks pregnant, and the countdown has begun. As I've talked about in earlier posts, I have discovered that I am not one of those women who thrive on being pregnant. The changes is my body have been hard for me to accept, I get insecure when people look at me and say, "WOW! You are really growing!", and I have routine doubts about how this whole thing will work out–––juggling parenthood with work, lack of sleep, (which is another thing people looove to warn me about several times a day), and just the huge responsibility of taking care of another human being.

Out of all of the mountains of advice I have received, this is probably the only nugget I am reminding myself of daily: try to enjoy it.

I know the next ten (or less) weeks will go fast, and I will look back on them and mourn for the time I lost worrying and being overly-sensitive about things. Soon the boy will be out in this world, no longer nestled inside my body; (though I must say I get a little annoyed with him wanting to live directly under my right rib), and I will have to find other ways to provide him with the protection and warmth that once came naturally while we were walking around as one being.

So hang on baby, and I will too. Thanks for being patient with me as I try to sort this whole motherhood thing out---a process that will continue for as long as I live. I promise to keep trying, to remember to have a sense of humor about it all, and most of all, to enjoy it.

An Honor

I am the daughter of Scotty Smith, a Presbyterian pastor here in Nashville.  It's a big church, and my dad planted it something like twenty-two years ago.  Even before that, he was a pastor at other churches, so it is all I have ever known.

Last night, there was a surprise party to honor all the work he has done over the years, and also to celebrate his fifty-eighth birthday, which is tomorrow.  There were over four hundred people there, not to mention the video played of those who couldn't be there, speaking of their gratitude.  Some of Nashville's great musicians played and talked about the early days of the church, or dad's effect on their lives, or lyrics inspired by his words.

My brother and I sat with our spouses and watched as photos of our lives flashed on two giant screens.  I squirmed to see some of the awkward phases I went through in many of them, and wondered who dredged them up, and what possible vendetta they could have against me.  But it wasn't about me.  It was about all of these people, just saying thanks for one person, my father.  And it was amazing to watch him, a man who is very comfortable speaking in front of people but still a very strong introvert, accept the love that was given to him in such a humble way.

My brother and I share a special bond because there is the unspoken knowledge of some of the uncomfortable things that being children of such a public man brings.  It is a weird thing to have many people say they know you because of their association with your parents.  It can and has been disorienting many times through our lives.  But how many people can say that they experienced such an event for their parents while the honoree is still living and can take all of the praise and encouragement that usually happens at funerals; and apply it with fervor to the rest of their lives?  It was definitely one of the greatest moments in the history of our family, and I thought about the child within in me, and if he could feel all the love in the room for his grandfather, and how many people are excited to see him come into the world as well.

second chances

Recently I saw "Last Chance Harvey" with a friend of mine.  There are so many amazingly written, well-acted movies out right now, but I feel that for the most part they are heavy in theme, and well, depressing.  "Last Chance" was anything but depressing.  A true redemption story about a man who has made many mistakes in life, but ultimately chooses to change directions for the remainder of it.  Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson play characters you want to spend the afternoon with, and though it is a conversational movie, no big bangs or terrible tearful conflicts, we left feeling inspired and uplifted.

Also, I am becoming addicted to "United States of Tara" on Showtime.  It is written by Diablo Cody (writer of Juno) and produced by herself and Steven Spielberg.  Toni Collette plays a woman who has stress-induced schizophrenia, and goes into one of three different personalities.  I know this does not sound uplifting at all, but Cody manages to portray a family who is willing to adjust to a life that is strange and abnormal, and yes difficult, with a huge dose of humor.

Keepin' On

SO I started a new novel.  I'm sad to say that we have had no success in selling Recovering Ramona.  I'm hanging on to it, knowing that I am a brand new author, and many times it is the second one that sells, and maybe that one will sell later.  It's great to be starting on something brand new--all new characters, new setting (though I have chosen to place this one right here in Nashville!).  I am trying to get as much done as possible before baby boy arrives--mixed in with work and finding the right paint color for the baby room, and all that.  I am learning that even though I get stressed out sometimes, unfortunately I am just one of those people who likes to have as much going on at one time as possible.  Not sure what that means, not sure I want to know!  We shall see how these new chapters unfold. . . 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-CHANGES

So right before Christmas we found out we are having a boy!  It was bizarre and sweet to see the little guy waving his fingers at us and flipping around.  Rann was wishing he would flip us OFF, because he thought that would be really funny.  I can't imagine what horrible things he will be teaching our son to do all in the name of hilarity.

I am definitely showing, though I have not bought any real maternity clothes yet.  I'm trying to put that off for as long as possible.  There are these ingenious things called "Bella Bands" that are a stretchy tube of material you slide over your pants, allowing you to unbutton them but still wear them.  Those and very long stretchy shirts with stretchy corduroys and jeans are my staples.  Fortunately, when I am huge, it will be spring so I will be able to wear dresses.

I still have moments of complete freakdom mixed in with the joy and curiosity of bringing this new little one into the world.  Finances are an ever-looming consideration.  Childcare, nursery, the "right" stroller, OH MY!  It boggles the mind.  But everyone says,  "It just all works out".  I am extremely blessed to have supportive parents who live here in town and continue to encourage me.  Becoming a mother is already forcing me to let go of some of my control issues and admit that I simply cannot do everything on my own.  In this way, it is shaping my faith, and my relationship with God.  Prayer is becoming a new, forgotten staple of my daily life.

This is where I am at presently, we will see the further changes to come!

Go read!

I am happy to say that I now have an excerpt from Recovering Ramona on my website: http://www.kristinrussell.net. Check it out, and please tell me what you think.